So, 2011 ended. I survived.
Now what?
So, 2011 ended. I survived.
Now what?
She sits comfortably in the bamboo chair which she assumes the owner might have stole it from somewhere, enjoying the December’s midnight breeze kissing her cheeks. She takes a glimpse from the corner of her eye, watches him awkwardly changing his position. She doesn’t bother. She chooses to imagine about the Bigfoot who lives up on the hill across them.
He sits there, trying to get comfortable. It’s a typical windy night in December but he can feel heat starts spreading throughout his skin. It must be all the whiskey he just drank, he assumes. He silently watches her gazing up the hill. She sits so calmly still he swears he thought she is meditating, right there on that very bamboo chair. What’s that look in her eyes? Boredom? Grief? Should I say something? Should I start with a joke? Oh she probably doesn’t even know I’m alive. Or does she? But she’s totally spaced out. He babbles to himself, contemplating whether or not he should start a conversation, squeezing his tipsy brain for an opening line.
You have been waiting your whole life for this day. ‘Prime Time’ was what you always said to everyone about the magic age. You even wrote yourself a letter, from the 17 years old you (or was it 16?) to the 25 years old self. You asked your trusted sister to keep it and give it to you when you turn 25. Where is the letter now? You asked your sister about it just last night. It doesn’t matter where it is, you pretty much still remember what you wrote anyway.
Of course what you imagined about how your life would be by the time you’re 25 doesn’t happened. So many fallout plans, unforeseen catastrophic circumstances, and wrong turns. But it wasn’t all bad, you’ve also had plenty amazing, extraordinary, once in a lifetime experiences that made you see that there are various shades of grays in this technicolor world.
Things could have been worse, you could have been worse. But you’re not. It may not turned how you hoped it would be, but you couldn’t be more grateful for what you have (left).
You made new friends and acquaintances. Met amazing people, some you could only imagine would actually hung with. You found peace in jazz (a little bit experimentation based on your music therapy) and the weekly routine of having the out of body experience through it. You feed yourself with art as much as you can absorb, as you always wanted. You traveled, not that frequent, nowhere far or fancy. But you know that the name of the country isn’t what important. The journey is, the people you meet along the way, the food you eat, even how the full moon looked over there. You found out that traveling is your morphine, the only high that could numb the pain temporarily.
You were flat on the floor, but you also got up. You are grateful that you are much more functioned now. You activated the auto pilot and successfully run it for months now, despite the fact that it started running out of fluid. But you know you’ll figure it out, you know you have to.
You’ve learned a thing or two about grace, and you will keep learning. You also experimented with faith and positive energy (something that you’ve always been skeptical about), and it pretty much worked. Way to go Universe!
Tho you’re still uncomfortable with the term ‘move on’ and prefer ‘keep on moving’ instead, but you finally could hold yourself from smacking the next person who told you to move on and getting use to respond it with jokes.
You are still very much easily distracted from your goals, and that is not okay. Although most of the time you had an unexpectedly wonderful experience instead. You’ve passed the first cycle of the 5 stages. And know for sure that you’re gonna stuck doing it back and forth.
Overall you are still very much lost, restless and always wandering. You’ve never felt this lost with your life, about where you’re heading, what is it that you’re heading to or even where the hell you’re standing now. As if you’ve lost your compass. Which you think you did.
You found that it’s getting a little too dark in here and wish that someone would just lend you their torch light. You also begin to recognize the flow; some days are hard, some other days are unbearable.
You know that you need to stop being so hard on yourself. Stop beating yourself up will you? and please do have a lot more faith in you, with yourself.
Nonetheless, at this very moment you are feeling deeply grateful and blessed for the kind of love and support from your family and friends every step of the way. You couldn’t ask for a better family, better friends.
Happy 25th birthday. You believe that age is just a number, but you take birthdays seriously. You don’t mind getting older, but you don’t like when your body shows signs of aging. You always say that 25 is relatively young, but you feel damn insecure about running out of time. Because you’re twenty five with no savings and going nowhere.
It’s the beginning of one year that supposed to be the prime time of your life. You still got 365 days to make this magical age comes true, and make it awesome.
Only one thing missing…
-Jakarta, November 25th 2011-
You walked into a supermarket, the next thing you know you found yourself standing there in between instant noodles and cereal sections, starring at the jams for five minutes.
“You can say the wrong words and still get the result you want and people will say that you’re lucky. But luck can only take you so far. Even destiny can only take you so far. The rest is up to us” - Alexandra Dewi-
Bukan bermaksud untuk tidak bersyukur. Tetapi agaknya untuk waktu yang cukup lama, akan selalu ada yang terasa kosong.
A dear friend of mine told me that as we grow older we stop to care much of those people who don’t want anything to do with you.
True. But I also think, though we may not need to care about those people who obviously don’t want us to be in their life, but as adults I think it’s wise enough to still care about those people who still value our relationships.
Age is not an excuse for us to stop caring those who care for us. It is also not an excuse to alienate people who care so much about you.
Attachment puts weigh on you. It limits your movements, slows down your speed, weaken your power. For that I am grateful that I have nothing chained to me.
Although, it would be nicer to come back home and crawl into the comfort of your arms after 16 hours of work.
Everyday I keep telling myself to start writing (again). Sigh. Funny, coz I can’t seem to put my mind to rest not even for a millisecond, and I tell you A LOT is going on up there yet my thoughts and my fingers refuse to cooperate and just bloody type and form it into writings. Another SIGH.
It’s not a surprise that I have serious case of commitment issue. Even to document my own thoughts.
Ciao for now,
